


There's No Clarity

by TheWildChild



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Confusion, Does that count as a first date, First Kiss, Fluff, Introspection, M/M, Neurological Disorder - Cluster Headache, Nothing is planned so i'll add more tags later, Romance, Spencer's Bedroom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 04:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4550454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWildChild/pseuds/TheWildChild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a genius can't understand some feelings, when those can be a danger for his carreer and his boss's, when his head hurt as hell and he's not capable to find any answers by himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unknown

**Author's Note:**

> Just a simple fiction about the way Spencer Reid will deal with his feelings, I don't plan anything in advance, I just write when I want to. I just have some elements in mind.  
> Note that I'm Belgian, my first language is French, I'm trying my best to make no mistakes but well, feel free to point out the ones I make for me to improve.  
> I was like listening to Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley's version) yesterday in the middle of the night ('cause I'm insomniac, that's great), and I had this sudden envy to write. For me, it's a good song to listen to when you put yourself in the shoes of Reid in the beginning and in the end of this chapter.
> 
> I hope you will love this fiction. n.n

**The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.**  - Charles Bukowski.

 

You could rarely see Reid being devolved but here was he, not working on his paperwork anymore. Morgan and Prentiss were staring at him, trying to understand how it was possible. The younger’s eyes were staring at an invisible point, and he was gone in his thoughts since a few minutes, not moving from this position. There was a long sigh as he was thinking. But it was all.  He stayed there, not moving, a dull glow in his eyes as he looked more and more down. He blinked two times and he was gone again. His breath was soft but his teeth were slightly tightened. His co-workers could perceive his eyes moving a little sometimes, but he didn’t disconnect with his spirit. They looked at each other, hoping the young man would start to talk about things they didn’t know, even if they weren’t interested by those. Just to be sure everything was normal.

 

Spencer didn’t like when he wasn’t able to deal with something. Of course, he was used to have more knowledge than the others in a lot of fields, but it seemed that every time it had something to do with something normal, he was lost. But what was the more annoying for him is that he couldn’t figure what was wrong with himself. The point was that he never had to deal with that thing, bothering him. But he didn’t want to talk about it because in a way, he knew that it would change a lot of things and he knew that as soon as he would tell someone about it, everything would automatically change.

What he knew was that he was feeling way more this incredibly loneliness that he felt sometimes, when he was alone in his apartment, sitting at his table in this silent environment. He loved this environment. But something was missing in it, since now a few weeks. And since a few days, he just felt it everywhere. He was working a few minutes ago and now, he was thinking about it, doing nothing and he didn’t even noticed that he stopped writing, that his co-workers were looking at him. The genius needed something to fill his body with this strange energy again, but he couldn’t figure what it was. He couldn’t understand because he had this habit to approach things, problems, with this scientific way that no one was using. But he didn’t think he was ready to start thinking differently. He was hoping that he would just remember the answer; he figured that he always knew it but he just forgot it. After, he realized it was not possible because he had this eidetic memory and he insulted himself mentally to be so stupid sometimes, before he remembered about his IQ. So yeah, he was really lost in his own thoughts to begin to think like that. He wasn’t used to deal with unknown things when it wasn’t an UnSub.  

 

Reid felt a hand on his shoulder. It startled him as he looked at Morgan. This one was worried but he said nothing else than “ _Come on, we have a case._ ”

Spencer looked around him; realized that JJ called them in the conference room and saw Morgan and Prentiss looking at him. He finally stood up, after a few seconds and the three co-workers started to walk towards the room. When Spencer climbed the stairs near his desk, the door in front of him opened to let Hotch leave his office. A look was exchange and they were now four to walk towards the conference room where Rossi was already with JJ and Garcia. It took a moment to Reid to feel complete. He was now sitting again, listening to JJ when he realized he was feeling good. But he didn’t understand why.

 

“ _Near each body, they found a piece of paper with things written on it._ ” JJ explained. She showed again the picture of the first victim, lying in a bed and after, she looked in her file to read what was written on the paper found near the body, slightly bloodstained. She started to read to the others. “ _Yes, Yes. When God created love, he didn’t help most. When God created dogs-_ “

She was interrupted by Reid.

“ _He didn’t help dogs. When God created plants, that was average. When God created hate, we had a standard utility. When God created me, He created me. When God created the monkey, He was asleep. When He created the giraffe, He was drunk. When He created narcotics, He was high. And when He created suicide, He was low._ ” He took a second before he continued, it didn’t sound like he was reciting it; it was well said. “ _When He created you lying in bed, He knew what He was doing. He was drunk and He was high and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time._ ” Again there was a few seconds of silence during which ones the genius was looking at the first victim’s photo in the bed. “ _He made some mistakes, but when He created you lying in bed, He came all over His Blessed Universe._ ” Reid finally stopped looking at the picture and gave a look to his co-worker, which were staring at him. There was the awkward silence which automatically followed this kind of moments when the team didn’t know what to say after Reid impressed them.

“ _It’s from Charles Bukowski. I love his books._ ” He finally said. The others looked at each other before JJ started to talk again.

“ _For the second victim, on the bench in the park, he wrote; “I didn’t have any friends at school, didn’t want any. I-_ “

“ _Felt better being alone. I sat on a bench and watched the others play and they looked foolish to me._ ” Reid did again what he did before by interrupting JJ. But this time, he said: “ _It’s from the same author. Look at the place and the quotes. I mean, he chooses his victims after he chose a quote. For the third one, in the mountain, I guess the quote is “Tell him to seek the stars and he will kill himself with climbing.”_ “

JJ nodded and Spencer looked down.

“ _That’s clearly his signature but he doesn’t have a precise victimology. It’s like he killed the ones that fit his quotes. It could be anybody. No race limits, no gender limits, it’ random._ ”

They knew it was this kind of UnSub they had to stop in the shortest amount of time possible because they were incapable to say when he would kill again and they couldn’t protect a particular population by delivering a precise victimology. They had to take the jet and go do their investigation as fast as possible.

 

Morgan and Prentiss were relieved to see that Reid was professional, even if he seemed weird before the meeting. He was still the same genius than before and they looked at each other, knowing he would still be the same during the case, but that they should look after him after. But it was already a good point. Each member of the team had to take their stuff before the meet in the jet. Once everyone was in, they could finally fly off. They talked about the profile and the case during a certain amount of time before they all did what they wanted (knowing there wasn’t a lot to do during a flight). Morgan was on his seat, listening to music. David, JJ and Emily were playing cards. Reid did too but he finally left to sit alone, afar from the group. His head started to hurt. Hotch was apart from a certain time, still reading the case’s file but he didn’t miss the moment Spencer went to another seat, where there was less light. He closed the little shutter from his porthole, crossed his arms and stayed with his head down. The three players watched him leave but considered that it was better to leave him alone. After a few minutes, the unit chief stood up and walked towards the genius. His eyes were closed and his head was still down, he didn’t really know if he was asleep but he sat in front of him, slightly leaning his neutral face. He waited to see a sign that Reid was awake, he didn’t want to bother the young man.

“ _I’m alright, don’t worry._ ” Reid said, knowing about the presence near him. But his tone was weaker than usually. Hotchner said nothing; he positioned himself in a more casual way and kept looking at Reid for a moment.

“ _Do you have them as often as before?_ ” The unit chief finally asked. Reid slightly nodded, keeping his eyes closed. It was difficult for him to talk, to listen to Hotch or act like it was ok. It wasn’t and Reid knew that Hotch knew. But he was thankful to his boss to say nothing about that, to let him the illusion that no one knew what he had. He didn’t want to be a burden but when he had a headache, that’s how he was feeling. There was a long sigh from Reid before he stood up and just walked away to go in the restroom. He closed the door behind him, letting his boss alone, looking at the closed door. He had to turn off the light and he put his hands on the edges of the sink. It was hurting, he was dizzy and nauseous. When his eyes were used to the darkness, he slowly passed water on his face. It wasn’t really helping but he needed that. He put his hands against the wall to direct himself. He needed to sit and that’s what he did, against the wall, on the floor. He brought back his legs against him and let his forehead against his knees, closing his eyes. It hurt but he tried to focus on something else. On the feeling he had a few minutes before, when his boss came to talk to him, genuinely concerned. It was one of those he couldn’t understand, that he couldn’t explain. It was the one that caused the way he felt sooner that day. He didn’t know if he had to like this feeling or not.

 

Because how could you feel something that good to feel so bad a few moments after?


	2. Heartache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time, it was while I was listening to "Heartache" by One Ok Rock that the inspiration came. (Yes, I love to share what music I listen to while I'm writing and no, it really didn't help me to find a title for this chapter. ê.ê)  
> Sooooo. I didn't planned any of this, actually. It came along while I was writing, my first idea wasn't that. Like NOT AT ALL. But I hope you will enjoy, feel free to comment or to spread love around you, that's good too.  
> I tried to correct my mistakes like I could but it's late in Belgium (almost 1am -ok it's 00:41 but by the time I post that it will be like 42- and I didn't sleep last night) so be indulgent but feel free to correct me ! n.n

**I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.** \- Stephen Chbosky

 

Nobody really knew what happened in the jet. Reid stayed in the little bathroom during the rest of the flight. He was the only one knowing that his headaches were more and more intense as the time was passing. When he was thinking about the fact that he found they were hurting him at the very beginning, he could only laugh at himself. He would love to find his first migraines again. He had to resist hitting his own head against the thin wall separating him from the rest of the team, as he had to contain his tears. He really didn’t understand anything about his condition but he had to get out of the jet with the others. He heard JJ knocking at the door, saying they were arrived and when Spencer opened the door, she was so worry when she saw that the poor man was as pale as the jet’s wall except for his left eye. This one was a bit red and JJ wondered if it was because he cried or because he rubbed it. It was actually none of these options; Reid didn’t even look at himself before he left the room. His friend also noticed that the light was off. Before he walked out of the jet, she couldn’t help but grabbed softly his arm.

“ _Spencer… Are you ok?_ ”

His headache wasn’t totally gone but it was better than before. That’s why he could look at her like he didn’t understand why there should be something wrong.

“ _Of course I am, why?_ ”

JJ was hurt that he didn’t talk to her about that. She knew it wasn’t the first time he was saying that everything was fine when it wasn’t, and she thought that he would come and talk to her about it someday. But for now, he still didn’t want to do it. She slowly released his arm with a crooked smile as she shook her head and the two of them walked out of the plane.

The rest of the day went by, they started their investigation to help the local police and things were going well for everyone. It was almost like Reid didn’t have that pain inside of his head during the journey, he felt really good while he was inspecting the crime scenes. Later came the time they had to go to the hotel. Each of them had a room. It was already late and Hotchner said to his team to go to sleep, they needed a good night of sleep; they couldn’t find the murderer this day. JJ stayed in the hotel’s lounge longer. Firstly because she had to call Henry and Will, like she did every night when the team had a case, and secondly because she wasn’t able to go to sleep directly, even if she wanted to. That’s how she ended there, on a couch, talking with Rossi who saw her as he passed by.

 

“ _JJ?_ ” Rossi asked as he walked towards the couch. The woman raised her head towards the profiler, surprised.

“ _Rossi. What are you doing here?_ ”

“ _I can ask you the same question._ ” The man said as he sat near his co-worker. JJ seemed to think about what she was about to say before she sighed, rolled her eyes and finally talked.

“ _I’m worried about Reid. I really can’t go to sleep and he doesn’t tell me what’s going on with him._ ”

“ _You mean the reason he was in the bathroom during an hour in the plane?_ ”

JJ nodded, Rossi's recalling didn't really help her. She sighed again and the older started to speak again.

“ _We all know for his headaches, didn’t Morgan said the doctor didn’t find anything?_ ”

“ _Yes and I know we can’t do anything either. But you should have seen him._ ” After she said that, she thought that it was really good that he didn’t see him, actually. She couldn’t erase this image from her memory, now. When she saw his face, her heart was just broken. Reid was keeping everything from them and was suffering in silence.

 

Not totally in silence, actually.

The young man was in his bedroom, he really thought the day would end well. But the pain came back. At the beginning, it wasn’t too big. But it grew in approximately ten minutes and now, he was in pain since thirty minutes. The doctor was on his bed, trying to find a comfortable position as he hit a few times his left temple with the bottom of his palm. Sometimes, he moaned, he wanted to cry as he felt the pain as if something was crushing his brain. How the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him? He was sure he wasn’t crazy; at least he wanted to believe it. But now he was in the dark, on his bed and he wanted to hurt himself if it could make the pain go away in his mind. It was definitely more intense than his usual headaches and he didn’t like that, it could only be a wrong sign. He tried to stand up without succeeding in the beginning. It took him a certain time to do it. He needed help. Even if he didn’t want to be a burden, even if he didn’t want to worry anyone, he suddenly felt this need. It was better than his thoughts about Dilaulid. Plus, the team was his family and during these years with them he developed some new needs that he tried to always ignore; the need to be around them because they were making him happy. Because they were his friends, the only friends he ever had, because they were his family, he knew he could trust them. Even if JJ never told him about the fact Emily was alive and that she hurt him, he knew he could count on her. He had forgiven her a long time ago.

The light in the hallway assaulted his eyes, he felt like they were burning and it just made his migraine worst. He had to maintain his body against the wall to walk towards her room. It took more time than he thought, he was weak. He knocked at her door without knowing she was downstairs with Rossi. He sighed and let himself leaning against the door during a moment. His head knocked against it and during an instant, he wanted to hit it again but stronger. He didn’t. Instead, he raised his hand like he could to knock again; still no answer. He tried to think even if it looked like the more difficult thing to do at this precise moment, even with his IQ. He tried to remember the room’s numbers they all had. He could tell the numbers he read on the keys but he couldn’t even try to think at who was in which room. He chose to go and randomly knock at one of the team’s door. He thought he was definitely about to die when he finally reached one of the doors. He gritted his teeth, his shoulder rubbing against the wall as he was walking. He stopped in front of the door, slightly rested against it before he could raise his hand to knock.

In the inside, the unit chief already turned his head towards the door when he thought he heard something. He was sitting in front of the bedroom's desk, trying to work a little more but he stood up and had the door in his sight. The only light on was the one on the furniture; it was dark so he could see the light below the door and the shadow slowly moving behind it too. He frowned before he finally heard this weak knocking. It took him a second before he walked through the room to go to the door and open it. What was his surprise when he had to stop Reid from falling on the ground.

“ _What the…_ ” Was all he could say before the weak body of his co-worker was stopped by his hands, his head hitting his chest. “ _R-Reid, what…_ ”

He felt Reid’s hand slightly tighten his shirt while a moan crossed his lips. Slowly, he tried to raise the doctor to help him walk in the room. He succeeded to close the door with his foot as he was sustaining Spencer. He walked with him towards the bed and helped the man to climb on it. He was so weak; Hotch still didn’t understand a thing. He approached the body and put his hand on Reid’s forehead. No fever but the young man was as pale as a dead body and it was especially highlighting the dark markings around his eyes.

“ _I-I…_ ” Reid began without finishing his sentence.

“ _What, Reid, what’s going on?_ ” Hotch asked with hope.

“ _I think I…_ ” Another silence followed the sentence as Reid tried to stand.

“ _Stop, stay on the bed, what are you doing?_ ” Hotch asked again. Reid tried to shake his head but he just felt dizzier as one of his hands grabbed his boss’s arm.

“ _I think I’m going to puke…_ ” He finally said. It didn’t take a second to Hotch to react, he helped immediately Reid to go in the bathroom.

 

Spencer was sitting in the bathroom, on the floor again, moaning and crying. It was surprising to see him like that. And Hotch was worried but he knew the young man didn’t want to be bothered. He was against the wall, in front of Reid and he was looking at him, his arms crossed against his chest. He tried to talk to the man a few minutes before but he didn’t have any answer. He never saw Spencer like that. He was in a training pants and a t-shirt, it seemed the man was ready to go to sleep when the headache bothered him. Hotch felt bad for him, hearing him moaning like that because it was too painful. He also had to stop him from hitting himself, even if Reid had the impression it would help. Aaron moistened his lips before he talked with a soft voice, not the one he usually used as a boss.

“Spencer. Talk to me.” He said, looking at the pitiful man. He approached him and squatted in front of him. The doctor had his head against his knee because of the light but Hotch had to see his face. He put his hands on Reid’s wrists, trying to remove his arms from his head. That’s when he saw that Reid’s hands were shaking. He was overwhelmed by seeing him like this because if Spencer was confused about his feelings, Aaron wasn’t. He knew perfectly what he was feeling for the young man but was trying to curb that every single day. He finally succeeded to move his arms and he took Spencer’s head between his hands to slowly raise it. His heart exploded in his chest when he saw his co-worker’s face and the tears that were ravaging it even more. He wanted to take Spencer in his arms, he wanted to lay him down on the bed and hug him until he would feel good. But he knew he couldn’t act like this, even if it wasn’t a work situation. He saw the younger’s chin shaking before he articulated with difficulty.

“ _I-It… It hurts… I-I can’t do anything a-against that…_ ” Reid moaned as he tried to let his head rejoin his knees again. But Hotch maintained it. He looked at Spencer’s eyes, his heart hurting even more. His voice became softer again.

“ _Spence, it’s alright. It will be ok, I promise._ ”

It was the first time Hotch was calling him “Spence”. JJ was the only one doing that. Reid shook his head like he could, his teeth rattling as he retained a sob.

“ _N-No… It will not… I…_ ” The rest of his sentence was cut by a new flood of tears and a moan.

“ _Spencer. It will be alright. I told you I promise that._ ” Maybe it wasn’t a good idea. But Aaron wanted to trust his own words. The young man tried to move, to stand up with Hotch’s help because he didn’t want to stay on this cold floor but he couldn’t and he miserably failed, falling against the older one again. His hands against Hotch’s chest, he let his forehead under his boss’s neck. This one couldn’t look down or his chin was against Reid’s head. Like that, he could feel his short hair against his neck’s skin. Automatically, like he was catching him, Hotch’s hands rested on his sides. Slowly, he moved them around the young man, on his back, as he kept him against him.

“ _It will be ok, Spence, I’m here._ ” He said as he felt the weak breath of Reid against his shirt, as he felt Reid’s hands lightly pull his clothing, as he felt his own heart aching.


	3. Keep It Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always: This time, I was listening to Troye Sivan (mainly to "Happy Little Pill") to write this chapter. I really do love his music.  
> Anyway, it's not that interesting.  
> Ok so again, a simple chapter. With the two others, you can see the way Reid's headaches evolve, nothing is done accidentally when it comes to this because I already know what he will have. So everytime I'm talking about his headaches, when his eye is red or when he's feeling nauseous, etc, it's all symptoms for what he has. Poor boy, I make him suffer.  
> ANYWAY AGAIN. The real start of the relationship will begin in the next chapter, I think. At least, they will become closer for sure.

**Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.**  ― Mahatma Gandhi.

 

Three hours before that, Reid finally felt asleep. If someone said to Aaron a few years ago that he would barely sleep during a case because he was to worried about the other man in his bed, he would not have believed it. But this night, in this hotel room, he could close his eyes for approximately two hours because he was so tired that he couldn’t fight against sleep anymore. He had wait for the young man to be able to move to help him lay down in his bed. He didn’t put any cover on him; he didn’t want to pack Reid when this one was constantly moving. He understood that the man wanted to find a position comfortable enough to stay still with his headache but it seemed to be impossible. Aaron didn’t leave his side, he didn’t understand what happened but he knew Reid needed someone to be there for him. And he was glad to be that person. It was five o’clock in the morning when he woke up. Spencer was still next to him, sleeping. It took so long for him to find some sleep. Hotch passed a hand on his own face before he looked at his phone. He had to wake Spencer early to go in his room, have a good shower and get dressed. Hotch didn’t want to wake him up directly so he went himself in the bathroom to have a shower and get dressed for the day. When he walked out the room, his tie in a hand, he saw that Spencer had opened his eyes. But he hadn’t move. He wouldn’t look good for everyone, with his pale face and his lack of sleep but Aaron always found him very cute. He realized that a few months ago only but he had to be professional with the man, he was able to hide his feelings from the others. But he knew it would be more complicated now, he couldn’t give up on Reid when the man was in this kind of condition. He approached the bed without making too much noise, and he looked at Reid.

“ _Spencer, how are you feeling today?_ ”

The sick man didn’t move, looking in front of him like he was in his own thoughts again. It took him almost a minute to finally blink and lift his gaze toward his boss. He opened his mouth and Hotch had to wait again before he could hear a sound.

“ _I’m sorry…_ ”

Spencer’s voice was less quavering than a few hours before but it was weak. Hotch shook slightly his head to say he didn’t do something wrong.

“ _It’s not like you did that on purpose, Reid. And your stomach… Better?_ ”

Spencer nodded as he raised his tired body to sit on the bed, looking down. He felt so ashamed.

“ _Y-Yes, it’s ok now. My head doesn’t hurt anymore… Not at all, actually._ ” Spencer said, and he sounded surprised. It was like the day before during the flight. He had this pain in his head but once it was gone, he felt so good, almost like he had nothing. Maybe it was only because once this kind of pain was gone, you could only feel this way, he didn’t know but he couldn’t be better, even with this shameful feeling he had. It reassured Hotch. This one sat next to Reid. He saw Spencer moving a bit to put a bigger gap between himself and his boss and Aaron felt bad. But he figured that it was just because it was Spencer, not because his presence was a problem.

“ _When you have these migraines, are you often sick like that?_ ”

This time, Spencer shook his head, frowning as he seemed to be thinking. There were a few seconds of silence before he finally raised his head toward Hotch.

“ _It’s just getting worse._ ” He said. His eyes crossed Hotch’s and this one could see his insecurities through his gaze.

“ _Don’t say that, we will find what you have and you will be treated._ ”

Reid shook his head again, still looking at Aaron.

“ _I’m not sure about that. I didn’t see only one doctor, I saw a few. But no one can find what I have._ ” He said before he moistened his dry lips. Hotch pursed his. He couldn’t blame the genius to be discouraged.

“ _Look, we have to work but when we will be back to DC, we will figure out something._ ”

“ _We?_ ” Reid asked as he looked again at Hotch.

“ _Yes, we. Spencer, you know that you’re not alone, right?_ ”

The genius seemed uneasy as he nodded slowly and it made Aaron wanting to smile. But he didn’t and he stood up.

“ _Now go to your room, have a shower and we will meet the others downstairs in thirty minutes with the rest of the team, all right?_ ”

Reid nodded again before he finally stood up to leave the room.

It wasn’t easy for Hotch to act like that with the younger one. He couldn’t be too friendly but in a moment like that; he didn’t want to be too tough. This night, he wasn’t just his boss; he didn’t have to be too tough. But he didn’t want to wake Spencer’s profiler skills by acting in a too much different way than usually.

 

Two hours after, they were all in the local precinct when Hotchner’s phone rang.

“ _We have another body._ ” He said as he hung up. “ _JJ, I want you to organize a press conference as soon as possible, we have to warn the population now. Spencer, Rossi, you go talk to the witness. Morgan, Emily and I are going to the crime scene._ ”

“ _There’s a witness?_ ” Morgan asked.

“ _Yes, he’s heading here right now. He seems to be less conscientious about what he’s doing._ ”

Rossi and Reid stayed in the precinct, waiting for the witness. Reid was sitting at a desk, looking at the board with the evidences and some information about the profile, pictures from the crime scenes, etc. Rossi came near the genius and crossed his arms as he sat on the desk’s edge.

“ _So, kiddo, how are you holding up?_ ” He finally asked. Reid turned his head towards him, confused.

“ _What do you mean?_ ”

“Your head.”

Reid suddenly felt a heat wave in his body. He blinked a few times before talking again.

“ _Did Hotch tell you something?_ ”

“ _What? What does he have to do with all of that?_ ”

“ _I-I…_ ” Reid began, finally turning his head to look at nothing in particular, realizing he presumed too fast that Hotch told Rossi about the night. It was difficult for him to talk about this kind of things with someone, he was always afraid that person would tell the others about it. But Hotch didn’t. He looked at Rossi again. “ _Why are you asking me that?_ ”

“ _Because of yesterday in the plane._ ”

“ _Oh for that?_ ” Reid had a gesture with his hand to say it was nothing. “ _I was sick; it has nothing to do with my head._ ” He tried to be the more natural possible but he knew Rossi didn’t really buy it.

“ _I guess you’re still sick?_ ”

“ _No, actually, I’m feeling really good._ ”

“ _But you don’t look really good; did you look at your face this morning? Did you at least sleep?_ ”

“ _Not a lot._ ” Reid admitted before he continued. “ _I read and before I knew it, it was very late._ ”

“ _You read._ ”

“ _Yes, I was reading._ ” Reid said before staring at Rossi during a moment. “ _Is it something you want to talk to me about?_ ”

 _“You, tell me._ ”

“ _I have nothing to say._ ”

“ _Are you sure about that? Don’t you have some secrets?_ ”

“ _Do you know how hard it is to keep a secret?_ ” Reid asked. But he didn’t let Rossi answer to this rhetorical question. He wanted to use his knowledge to escape the situation. He knew Rossi was too kind to just interrupt him and he felt guilty to use that to win some time until the witness arrived but he really didn’t want to talk about that. “ _Even Freud said that it was impossible to keep a secret. The fact is that two forms of languages exist. There is the verbal one which is controlled and restrained and there is the corporal one which expresses the emotions. If you have to keep a secret, you’re forced to do some efforts to maintain it afar from what you express verbally. You have to because you have this worry of betray yourself and that can appear in your mimicry and your gestural. It’s not because of a particular cerebral mechanism, it’s because your limbic system, which is in charge of the emotions, has a relation with all your cognitive system in your left hemisphere. This one intervenes in your verbal language; in your speech. But the limbic system also influences thanks to the right hemisphere a global expressionwhich is neither restrained nor filtered. So if I had to keep a secret, it could act in two ways on my emotions. Firstly I would be worried to betray myself, what would be visible with time and secondly, it would depend of the importance of the secret. I mean, there is secret and Secret with a capital S._ ” Reid was on track, it would be difficult to stop him and he couldn’t help but think “Still think I didn’t have enough sleep?” Rossi opened his mouth to answer with… Well, he didn’t really know what to say directly besides the fact that Spencer shouldn’t act like that. But the fact is that it was really natural so it could be a bad idea. Even though, he didn’t have the time to say anything because Spencer talked again.

“ _You know, in two-thousand-seven, there was a study published in “American Journal of Psychology”. In there was a particular finding: if keeping a secret is hard, it’s because it takes too much place in the brain._ ” Rossi opened his mouth again but was interrupted by Reid. “ _I know what you’re about to say, how is it possible to not have enough place in our brain? Well, a secret is hard to keep because you know; it weighs on the conscience so you’re always in alert to not express it. The memory is stocked in trace in the cerebral circuitry…_ ” He was about to continue with his fast way of talking and all of his gestures when a cop calls the two FBI agents. They both turned their heads towards him to see the witness. Reid looked at Rossi and made a face. “ _Too bad, I don’t have enough time to continue my explanation. Yet it is a fascinating subject._ ” He stood up. “ _In conclusion, if I were you, I wouldn’t say that I have a secret but a problem. So I wouldn’t have to confess about anything that weighs on my conscience but I would talk about something bothering me but that I don’t have to keep from the team because it’s something I’m not supposed to talk about.”_ The genius concluded, talking really fast before he walked away. Rossi stayed sit on the desk during a short moment, staring at the man walking towards the witness before he stood up and followed him.

After they introduced each other, the witness gave Reid a piece of paper.

“ _He… Told me to give you that._ ”

The genius took the paper, saw some traces of blood on it but read what was written on it.

“ _She was consumed by three simple things: drink, despair and loneliness; and two more: youth and beauty._ ” Spencer glared at Rossi before he took his phone to ask Garcia about some information on the victim. This one fitted the description. Alcoholic, she was alone and already attempted suicide twice. She was young and beautiful. During this time, Reid walked with the witness through the precinct, saw him looking sharply at the board as they walked by it and he sat in an isolated room. More the man talked to Reid about what he saw, more Spencer felt something weird. When Rossi entered the room, a gaze was exchanged between the two FBI agents and Spencer understood.

“ _I’m sorry, what is your name again?_ ” Reid asked after the witness stopped talking. Rossi send his name to Garcia before he sat next to the genius and start to speak.

“ _So you were in this alley at the exact same time of the murder, with only the murderer and the victim?_ ”

“ _Yeah, that’s what I said to your colleague._ ”

“ _And after, he gave you this and asked you to give it to us?_ ” Rossi asked, showing the piece of paper at the same time. Spencer’s phone rang and he left the room to talk to Garcia while Rossi asked the man to write his deposition.

“ _Is that the procedure?_ ” The man in front of Rossi asked.

“ _Yes. It is._ ” Rossi answered, looking in the eyes of the witness. So, this one started to write while Rossi was staring at him. A few minutes later, Spencer came back in the room. When he closed the door, he kept his hand on the door’s handle as he spoke to the witness.

“ _I don’t want to be rude but the reason why you’re here is what, exactly? Is it because you want to know what information we have on you or because you’re so sure about the fact that we are clueless that you think you can walk inside this building and leave it right after, letting us full of candor?_ ”

“ _Or maybe it was because you felt so insecure about the case that you needed a kind of immunity?_ ” Rossi said right after.

“ _You have no proof._ ” The man said as he stopped to write.

“ _Well. We can compare the way you write with the way our killer wrote on these papers._ ” Rossi conclude.

 

“ _Every UnSub should do that! Just walk by themselves in the precinct, it would be way easier!_ ” Reid exclaimed in the jet.

“ _And we would be unemployed._ ” Morgan added with a little smile.

“ _I wouldn’t._ ” Reid said, definitely in a better mood than the day before.

“ _Right, genius, now, instead of making us notice we don’t know as many things as you do, it’s your turn._ ” Derek said by pointing Reid’s card with his chin. Jennifer and Emily laughed, paying attention to the game they were playing.

Rossi was sat next to Hotch, away from the group. But when he turned his head to talk to him, he saw that he was sleeping. He closed his mouth and started to think, glaring at Reid during a moment. He was enjoying the time with the team, during this flight, but he really seemed tired. So did Hotch, David thought. That’s when he remembered that Spencer mentioned him in the conversation sooner this day. He sighed as he looked at Hotch. Something wasn’t clear and he counted to extract some information from his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Rossi will do his own little investigation to know what happened with Hotch and Reid during the case ! Hope you enjoyed, feel free to comment ! n.n


	4. Cluster Headache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, they're definitely more close than ever! I guess they will be together in the next chapter.~~~  
> I already know how I will do it happen. 
> 
>  
> 
> (Ok I can't resist, I wrote while listening to Troye again, he really give me inspiration.)

**I didn't feel physically sick. But mentally. My mind was twisting in so many ways. (...) We once saw a documentary on migraines. One of the men interviewed used to fall on his knees and bang his head against the floor, over and over during attacks. This diverted the pain from deep inside his brain, where he couldn't reach it, to a pain outside that he had control over.** \- Jack Asher, _Thirteen Reasons Why_.

 

The very next day of this case, Hotch and Reid came with a little delay in the bureau. They went in the hospital in the morning, like Aaron said they would do. It was a weird situation for Reid but he was so glad to have someone with him, there, where he was afraid. He had this warm feeling in his stomach when he thought that he was glad it was Hotch. Again, the results were inconsistent. Nothing. Hotchner could see how Reid was upset. However, the doctor was interested by Spencer’s condition after he heard again every symptom. He asked for a phone number because he wanted to check some things but he didn’t give too much information and apologized again for the lack of results. Hotch gave his own number, he wanted to be sure Reid wouldn’t hide anything from him about what he could have and he wanted to be there for the younger one. He knew maybe it was too much because of his position but for the moment, he didn’t care that much.

So yeah, they arrived late. David Rossi noticed this fact. Spencer went directly at his desk to work on his paperwork but he noticed the glares by Morgan and Prentiss as he walked in the room with Hotch, late. Rossi went directly in Aaron’s office; he wanted a little conversation with the unit chief.

“ _You’re late._ ” He said to his friend. Hotchner who just reached his desk turned around to look at his friend.

“ _Yes, I am._ ” He finally said after a few seconds of an awkward silence.

“ _So, what happened? Spencer was too and you guys arrived at the same time._ ”

“ _We saw each other in the elevator. I went to see Jack at Jessica’s this morning, since I didn’t see him because of the case._ ” Aaron said as he sat at his desk. What a shame, he didn’t want to use his son as an excuse but he didn’t want to say that he was in the hospital with Spencer either.

“ _And what’s Spencer’s story?_ ” A Rossi full of curiosity asked. Aaron raised an eyebrow as he looked at his friend.

“ _What’s with you?_ ”

“ _Is it a secret?_ ”

Aaron didn’t want to lie more than he already did, even if with his constant poker face, it was difficult to say he was lying. He protected himself, but he could keep a part of veracity in all of that. So, he answered: “ _Yesterday evening, after we landed, he asked me if it was ok for him to come later because he had to see a doctor. I told him he could take his time._ ”

“ _So I was right, the kid is sick._ ”

Aaron sighed.

“ _I don’t know, Dave, but he’s not healthy either.” Yet, Rossi had woken up Aaron’s curiosity. “Did he say something to you?_ ”

“ _I saw him during the case; he looked like a zombie and was always rubbing his left temple. But I thought you knew more things than me._ ”

“ _Why’s that?_ ”

“ _Because he mentioned you when I tried to speak to him._ ”

“ _He mentioned me?_ ” Hotch didn’t show anything but he was wondering if Spencer dared to say he spent the night in his hotel room.

“ _When I asked about his head, he asked if you said something to me about that. I just said that he looked terrible and he tried to change the subject. Do you two hide something we should know? You looked as tired as him, Aaron. Did something happen during the night we spend there?_ ”

“ _I told you all I know, David.” Hotch said, looking at the papers on his desk. “If he has something to tell us, he will._ ”

David didn’t buy his last answer but he let Aaron start working, glaring at the pale Spencer sat at his desk when he left Hotchner’s office.

 

Later that same day, Hotch received a phone call. He closed his eyes when the doctor said that he probably found what Reid had but that it was too important to be told by phone. Aaron said that they couldn’t come directly but that they could the same evening, since they didn’t have a case. After he hung up, Hotch walked toward his open door and called Reid.

“ _Reid, a word._ ”

Spencer raised his head toward his boss before he stood up and walked in the office under the concerned gaze of the rest of the team gathered in the room, talking since a few minutes. Hotch closed the door behind them and walked toward his desk as Reid stayed standing in front of it.

“ _You can sit, Spencer._ ”

“ _No, I’m ok like that._ ” He said. Hotchner looked at him during a few seconds before he spoke again.

“ _You will leave the office with me, tonight. The doctor called and he apparently knows what you have._ ”

Spencer said nothing during a moment, staring at Hotch. He didn’t believe it, finally someone knew. It wasn’t like this other doctor said, he wasn’t crazy. He was sure of it.

“ _Really? He really knows, right?_ ”

“ _He said that he thought he knew but that it’s not something they can see with the tests they did on you. But it’s apparently too important to be telling by phone, so he wants us to come as soon as possible._ ”

“ _So, tonight?_ ”

“ _Yeah, tonight._ ” He was about to continue to talk but his phone rang. “Excuse me a minute.” It was his mobile, it was Jessica. He talked during two minutes during which one Reid ended by sitting down on a chair. Aaron looked at Reid again and cleared his throat.

“ _Jessica is sick; she wants me to take Jack as soon as I leave the office for him not to be sick. So here what we will do, you will go to your apartment while I will go take Jack and I will come to take you there. Like that, it will be more subtle for the others._ ”

“ _Did they say something?_ ”

“ _Dave did._ ”

“ _Oh._ ” Spencer said. He finally stood up, walked away but turned around near the door, scratching his forehead.

“ _Hotch… Thank you…_ ” He said before he left the room without letting his boss answer.

 

Jack was very excited to see Spencer. It was late and he should be tired but he wasn’t at all. He loved his Daddy’s friend. He always had some cool magic tricks to show and he enjoyed answering to every questions Jack had. So, when Aaron said to him they wouldn’t go home immediately because they had to go somewhere with Spencer, Jack was happy.

“ _Daddy?_ ”

“ _Yeah buddy?_ ”

“ _Where are we goin’ with Spence?_ ” He asked when they entered Reid’s street. Aaron took a second before he answered.

“ _To the hospital._ “

“ _Spence is sick? Is it serious, Daddy?_ ”

“ _I don’t know buddy, we’re going there to find out. But you don’t have to worry; he will be alright, like when you had this cold. After a few days, you were alright again._ ”

“ _Yeah but I didn’t go to the hospital…_ ”

“ _It’s a very bad cold, Jack, but it’s ok._ ”

Jack nodded before Aaron took his phone to text Spencer. His son was smart, but he tried to not scare him with this all hospital thing. They were parked in front of the apartment and Spencer entered the car a minute after. He was smiling like every time he was seeing Henry or Jack.

“ _Heyyy, Jack!_ ”

“ _Spence! Daddy told me we were going to the hospital for your cold! You’ll be alright, Spence, like me with my cold!_ ”

Reid glanced at Hotch who was smiling as he was driving again. The same warm feeling as in the morning was in Spencer's stomach when he saw Hotch's smile. This impression of well-being was in him and he would pay if it would make Aaron smiles for all the time he was with him. He was a handsome man but Spencer loved when he smiled the most. He blinked a few times before he looked again at Jack, realizing what he was thinking about.

“ _You’re right Jack, after I will be alright. So, tell me, did you practice the tricks I taught you the other time?_ ”

Jack nodded with energy before he and Spencer started to talk. Hotch was listening to what they were saying all the drive long but he didn’t participate that much, he was enjoying this moment. He wished it could happen more but he knew that after this night, everything would go back the same as before and thinking about that was making him feel bad.

 

“ _Do you know what Cluster Headache is?_ ” The doctor asked to Reid. Of course, Reid was glad when he learned that the doctor might know what he had. But when he heard the name of this neurological disorder, he felt like his all world was falling apart. He stayed silent for a moment before the doctor spoke again.

“ _It’s a…_ ”

“ _I know what it is. But it’s an error._ ”

Aaron, with Jack on his knees, looked at Spencer before he glanced at the doctor again.

“ _Is it bad?_ ”

He heard Spencer laughing before he looked at his boss.

“ _You want to know how bad it is? You know the nickname of this disease? Frequently, it’s “The Boss’ Headache”, but it can also be called “Suicide headaches”!_ ” Reid was angry, really angry. He didn’t want this; he just wanted his pain to stop. Jack didn’t understand why Spencer was suddenly angry but he didn’t like that. Hotch didn’t say anything after his co-worker almost yells at him under the influence of anger. He looked at the doctor again. This one cleared his throat, uneasy.

“ _I know how it looks like, Doctor Reid, but nowadays, we have ways to restrain the pain._ ” It really wasn’t easy. Such a condition happened one time in a doctor-life, it was an interesting disease to study but it was one of the worst news he could give to a patient. He talked to Aaron. “ _It’s a neurological disorder and it presents recurrent and sever headaches on one side of the head. In Doctor Reid’s case, it’s the left side. The cause of the disease is not identified; we don’t have much information about that._ ”

“ _And it can’t be healed, from what I understood._ ”

The doctor stayed silent during a moment, looking at Reid before he looked at Aaron again. Jack, in a hasty manner, descended from his father’s lap and went near Reid to go on his lap. The genius was surprised and still upset but he took the little boy from the floor.

“ _There is no known cure, no, but cluster headaches can sometimes be prevented and the acute attacks can be treated. For these, the recommended treatment is oxygen or a fast acting triptan._ ”

“ _I don’t take any drug._ ” Spencer said, surprising the doctor.

“ _But the triptan can help you during an attack._ ”

“ _I said that I don’t take any drug._ ”

Aaron knew, of course, why he didn’t want this treatment and he was proud of Reid to still resist against his ancient addiction.

“ _He’ll go with oxygen._ ” Aaron said. The doctor looked at him and finally nodded, taking some notes.

“ _I will wait outside._ ” Spencer said as he stood up, Jack in his arms.

“ _I’m goin’ with you._ ” The kid said. Reid looked at Aaron, still incredibly upset before he left the room with the boy. Hotch didn’t like Spencer’s behavior but he didn’t want to say a thing. He understood, in a way. He sighed.

“ _So, should I know something else; a way to help him or something?_ ”

“ _Well… When he has an acute attack, you shouldn’t leave him totally alone. He could hurt himself.  The patients have a lot of suicidal thoughts during a crisis as a result of the pain. And he can have a violent behavior to himself. He can hit his head against wall with the hope the pain will go, he can hit himself or do stuff like that if he’s persuaded the pain will go away. It’s a really rare disease, only zero point two percent of the population is touched by it. But it’s also the most painful. A lot of patients compare the pain the one of a burning ice peak that we would sink repeatedly through the eye and the brain. You can’t even imagine the pain he can have with these headaches. And trust me, you don’t want to know._ ”

 

“ _He said he will call when he will have the oxygen’s flasks._ ” Aaron said to Reid once he started to drive again. They didn’t exchange a word before that, Hotch talked a little bit more with the doctor to know everything he had to know and they left without talking. He knew Reid was angry. He didn’t answer to Hotch and he could understand that.

“ _Daddy, I’m hungry!_ ”

“W _e will go eat at home, be a little more patient, please._ ”

“ _Will Spence eat with us?_ ”

Hotchner turned his head toward Reid. He would like him to eat with them but he was probably tired and to upset to eat anything. He looked at Jack in the rearview mirror.

“ _It’s up to Spencer, Jack, not me._ ”

“ _Spence, eat with us!_ ” Jack exclaimed.

Spencer thought about it during a few seconds. He didn’t want to be alone. He was angry, of course. But he was scared as hell. So, he chose to nod.

“ _Okay, Jack, I will eat with you two._ ”

 

That’s how Spencer ended to eat at Aaron’s place. It was so weird but he was good, there. They ate well; Spencer talked a lot with Jack like nothing happened before.

After Aaron put Jack in his bed, he went to the living-room, where Spencer was. When he thought about it, it was really weird to have the man in his living-room at this late hour.

“ _Well, I can’t let Jack alone to drive you home…_ ”

“ _I can take a cab._ ” Spencer said. They still didn’t have really talked together about the problem since the visit at the hospital. And Spencer didn’t really know why he was so stressed to be in here with only Hotch. This one sat near Reid, finally asking something he wanted to do since an hour. But hell, it was so weird.

“ _Or maybe you can sleep here?_ ”

“ _What?_ ” Spencer couldn’t help himself, it was so surprising. “ _That’s nice but I don’t want to impose myself…_ ” He looked at Hotch and stopped his thoughts cycle.

“ _I understand but I don’t see me let you leave alone with such a tough day. I mean…_ ” Ok, there, Hotch was searching excuses but it was too late now, he didn’t have anything to lose anymore. He put one hand on Reid’s thigh, saying: “ _Please, stay here, Spencer._ ” He finally said, looking at Reid’s eyes.

That’s when it hit Spencer. First, it was the way Hotch’s hand was on his thigh. Not that he was uneasy with that (ok, he was), but his grip was softer than firm and that’s what surprised the young man. He already shook Aaron’s hand a few times and it was always different. In second place, it was Hotch’s smell. Reid was sure he already knew that his boss always had a good smell but he never thought about the fact he could perfume himself a little. But there, in his living-room, with his hand on his thigh, he smelled it correctly. He loved Hotch’s smell. After came his eyes. His dark eyes were staring at his own iris. He had this piercing look but at this instant, he loved it. It wasn’t a hard look; Aaron was looking at him like Spencer never thought he could. He didn’t feel forced when he said “ _Yes._ ” Actually, he wanted to say yes. So he did, he wanted to stay there, this night. He finally understood what this sensation in his stomach was when he was around his boss. It kinda scared him.  But he loved this feeling. The only word he said to accept the proposition was hardly audible but Hotch heard and he didn’t back away, he let his hand where it was and kept looking at Spencer. He was trying to find his courage to do the most important thing he wanted to do, even if it was forbidden, even if it was thoughtless, that’s what he wanted.

“ _Daddy, I need to pee._ ” A little boy said at the door of the room, rubbing his tired eyes.


	5. Dave's Advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since english is not my main language, I try to correct myself a maximum but I have this impression it takes me more time than writing. I really hate to have to do it. But hey, it's ok though, if at the end I don't make a lot of mistakes.  
> Again, Troye is my inspiration. Haaa. I love this stupid boy.

**Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.**   - Dalai Lama XIV.

 

* * *

 

I didn’t really understand why Spence was mad at the doctor the other day. After, he seemed fine when we were together; he played with me, ate with us, watched SpongeBob with me and slept in the house! Now, he spends some time with us, I don’t know if it’s only because of his very bad cold but he’s cool so it makes me happy when he comes home. And it makes Daddy happy too, even if he doesn’t say it, I know it because the other day, when the bell rang, he smiled like he does when we play together.

A few days ago, I think he hurt himself in the house, I heard him during my nap. He was hurt but when I came near Daddy and him and I saw he was crying with his head between his hands, Daddy took me in his arms and put me in my bed again. He said I had to stay there and that Spencer would be ok. But I’m not sure he was. After, he was as white as Daddy’s pen I broke the other time and he seemed exhausted but he played with me anyway. He also drew with me. It was a great time.

“ _Spence?_ ”

“ _What is it?_ ” He told me. I put my chin on my hands, my elbows on the table. Daddy was training for a race and Spencer was looking after me since he already was in the house. He was helping me to draw but I wanted to talk with him a little so I put my red pencil on the table.

“ _Does your head hurt you?_ ”

Spence looked at me and I could see he was surprise. I know he’s smart but I was too! So I smiled and he smiled back.

“ _Not anymore. Does it worry you?_ ” Spence was like that with me, honest. I nodded.

“ _You were crying. But Daddy helped you, right?_ ”

“ _Yeah, your Daddy always helps me._ ”

“ _That’s because he likes you very much._ ”

 

* * *

 

 

“ _Does he say that to you?_ ” Spencer stopped drawing to ask that to the little boy. He stared at him, not at the drawing anymore. Jack shook his head.

“ _I can see it._ ” Spencer smiled, drawing again. He repeated in a low tone “You can see it…” and his boss’ boy nodded. The genius’ eyes went on Jack during a second before he focused on the drawing again.

“ _How do you see it, Jack?_ ”

“ _Because he smiles every time we talk about you or when you’re here._ ”

He didn’t say anything, he showed Jack the drawing and they didn’t talk about that anymore but he was smiling.

“ _You like your drawing like that, Jack?_ ”

“ _It needs green there!_ ”

“ _Okay, you do it._ ” Spencer said before he stood up to take something to drink for both of them.

 

Spencer and Aaron never talked about the first night the genius spent at Hotch’s place with the hand on him and this unmissable attraction between the two of them. Aaron chose to not talk about it, it was stupid. He couldn’t risk both of their careers for something he wasn’t sure the genius was feeling too. And Spencer was himself, like he would go talk to Hotch about that. But he deliberately spent more time with his boss for sure. They both knew the situation and they both avoid the subject. Like that, they could spend times together without feeling guilty but they both had to be careful whenever they were only the two of them. But they were closer than before. Aaron was helping Reid a lot because of his crisis, he didn’t like to see him suffer but he wouldn’t leave him alone. Of course, sometimes, Reid was alone in his apartment and his thoughts about Dilaulid were coming in his head to stop the pain. During these times, he was calling Hotch and was trying to talk to him despite the pain.

 

Three days before their latest case, his boss allowed him to call him Aaron when they were together, outside the bureau. It was weird and now, Reid was distraught. So, when they were together, he just wouldn’t call him at all, neither Hotch nor Aaron. In his head, Hotch was pretty amused by that because of course, he noticed. And before this latest case, Hotch met Beth. And before this latest case, David noticed things between Hotch and Reid. He knew Aaron for so long, he was aware of his sexuality, he knew since a long time the man was bisexual. Maybe that’s why he was so much looking about these changes between the genius and the unit chief. He didn’t want his friend to do what he was considering as a mistake. It’s not that he didn’t like Reid, that he didn’t want his friend to be happy, it’s that he didn’t want him to risk both their career for something that would maybe not be long. But he didn’t have any power against that. That’s why when he heard about Beth, he wanted Aaron to take his chance with her, and maybe it could save him to act without thinking about the consequences. And Aaron was almost thinking the same things, after his first conversation about her with Rossi. He thought it would be better for Reid. His career wouldn’t be in danger. And his own heart would maybe be saved from being break if Spencer didn't share his feelings. Of course, he noticed the way the young man was looking at him sometimes, he could feel himself do that too when he was looking at Spencer. But was it really what Reid was feeling? After all, Hotch was there for him and maybe it was just it. So, he accepted to see Beth again, he called her and they chose to see each other not long after to train together, after the case. Inside of him, Hotch thought it was the right decision at the moment.

Then, Rossi came in his office and changed everything without even knowing it. He triggered what he tried to repel.

Hotch hang up when Rossi entered in his office, putting his hands in his pockets. Aaron told him for the body of the boy killed by Caleb and Harvey and the conversation went by, Rossi asking if this thing with the bikes was happening.

“ _Yes, it is._ ” Hotchner answered, uneasy. “ _Tomorrow morning, nine o’clock. But, hum… I don’t know._ ” Aaron sighed. He couldn’t tell Rossi why he was so hesitant but he wanted him to know that he wasn’t sure about what he was doing, even if it was a good solution for the situation he was in.

“ _I’m pretty sure Haley wouldn’t want you to avoid moving on._ ” It wasn’t the problem, clearly.

“ _I’m not avoiding moving on._ ” Thaaat was true. “ _I’m just… Not sure._ ” God, how it was difficult when you couldn’t say what was really in your mind, namely Spencer Reid.

“ _Not sure about what, going at a bike ride?_ ”

Not really, more like “ _Not sure about going out with a woman when I only have eyes for the genius we work with._ ” Aaron thought. But he didn’t say that.

“ _Aaron, I know you think it’s too soon but you’re no good at anyone when you’re miserable._ ”

Touché.

“ _I’m not miserable…_ ” Aaron said as an only defense.

“ _Uuuuuh… Maybe slightly uptight._ ”

Aaron laughed. “ _All right, I give you slightly uptight._ ”

“ _If there’s one thing I learned from Caroline’s death is that life is short. And you deserve to be happy._ ”

That’s when it hit Aaron, like when Reid’s feelings hit the genius, when he realized what was really going on in his mind. But this time, it was more violent. It hit Aaron like if the jet landed right on his face. What was he doing there when he could be with the person he really wanted? Why take all the preventions in the world when he could be with someone he really cared about, he really loved?

“ _I know…_ ” He said to Rossi. He was determined.

“ _Then, have a good time._ ” His friend said.

“ _Thanks._ ” How could he thank Rossi enough? He didn’t know but he had to leave like right now.

 

It was raining so hard but he didn’t care, he parked in front of Reid’s apartment, left his car and went to ring on his bell until the boy opened the building door. This one was wondering what the hell Hotch could do there at this late hour. Plus, they saw each other just before, there was no reason. Aaron climbed the stairs fast, water dripping from him as he reached the genius door. This one opened it.

“ _Hotch, what are you doing here? You’re all wet…_ ”

“ _I told you to call me Aaron._ ” His boss answered, short breathing. Reid didn’t understand why he was in such a hurry but his boss did a step toward him.

“ _I talked with Rossi. And he’s right, life is short._ ”

“ _What’s going on…?_ ”

“ _Spencer, please, shut up._ ” Reid raised his eyebrows but shut up, surprised.

“ _I know why we don’t talk about my actions when you stayed at my house for the first time; I know what it can bring. I know how dangerous it is, hell I know it but fuck it. If like he says, I deserve to be happy, I want to be happy with you, Spencer._ ”

First of all, Reid couldn’t really breathe anymore when Aaron started to talk. Oh, he tried; the air just didn’t want to fulfill his lungs anymore. After, he couldn’t help but think that Hotchner was really sexy when he said “ _Fuck it_ ”. He was almost blushing at his own thoughts but he was too focused on what his boss was saying for that. And then he heard the last sentence. He was surprised his own heart didn’t explode. He couldn’t move but he let Hotch approached him, he didn’t back away, he wanted to go in his arms but he was paralyzed in a good way. That’s when it happened.

 

He felt Hotch’s left fingers against the back of his neck and he couldn’t help but reached the older one’s wet shirt to tighten it between his own fingers when he felt Aaron’s lips against his. He closed his eyes, tasting Aaron like he wanted to do since a while now. He liked the contact; he felt a heat wave in his entire body as he was losing the control of the situation. He didn’t even know if he almost had it at a moment. He just wanted it to continue. Aaron’s was enjoying the moment, Spencer wasn’t repelling him, he was responding to the kiss. He could taste the coffee on Reid’s mouth; he was almost surprised to not taste sugar as well, since the younger always add a ton of it in his drink. He felt they were a little dry but this effect was erased almost as soon as the kiss started thanks to the raindrops remaining on Aaron’s face. This one was just leaving the cold outside but now he was burning. His whole body was heating because of the events happening at Reid’s door. Hotch second hand was on Spencer’s skinny waist and he couldn’t resist but getting closer again to the man he loved, he wanted to feel his body against him; he didn’t want to lose him. Their lips separated for a second during which Reid’s stepped back only to let Hotch entered. They stayed close and Spencer closed his door, leaning against it, putting his hands on Aaron’s cheeks before he started by himself another kiss. He never felt his heart beat this fast and he didn’t want it to stop. His breath started to be jerky and in a way, he knew he had to separate his lips again from Hotch’s lips to regained it. But for that, Aaron acted before. The poor man was already short breathing before he arrived at Spencer’s door, he wanted to continue the kiss but he thought that if he could breathe, he could have other ones. So, slowly, he separated their lips, put one of his hand on Reid’s right side of his face, on his jaw and cheek as his lips rested on Spencer’s jawline. He started to follow it and when he was close enough with the neck, he slowly put his lips on it, depositing kisses against the younger’s pale skin. He had to put his second hand against the door while he leaned even more against Spencer as he heard a sigh from him. He felt fingers in his short hair as Reid raised his chin to let more place for Hotch’s lips. He had one hand against Aaron’s head and the other was trying to grab something but he only touches the door again and again. That’s why he was tightened Aaron’s shirt before, when the feelings were too much for him, he had to hold something because he had this impression he would fall on the ground if he didn’t. He could feel Hotch’s fast breath against his neck, but even though he had this impression the time was slower than before. Like the night would be there as long as they needed it, as long as they would be in each other’s arms. He couldn’t control his body, his mind was racing, he couldn’t think of anything else than the touch against his thin skin. He felt it, the wet contact of Aaron’s heat tongue against him, his stomach writhed in a pleasant sensation while he let go another sigh, his fingers tightening his lover’s short hair. Without even think about it before, he felt himself sliding his hands under Hotch’s suit vest to remove him from his man’s body. The cloth fell on the ground in a sound, this one being added to the others from the two men’s mouths.

 

Hotch raised his head, looking at the genius with his mouth slightly open. He could see the younger’s dilated pupils and didn’t even dare to imagine his own eyes. He reached his mouth again and this time, he could felt Reid’s tongue against his lips. He was feeling so good to see Spencer’s taking initiatives in all of that, because he knew he wasn’t that much experienced with this kind of things and he didn’t want to rush him. He let their tongues engage caresses; he felt a shiver running his back and his hands went on Spencer’s waist to approach it to his, to let him feel how he was at this instant. Reid felt it and he realized the condition of his body. They were both very excited but he didn’t know if he could pass this step so fast. Yet, all he could do was to moan against his lover’s lips. It’s not like he had what they needed anyway. He put his hands against his chest, feeling the wet cloth of his shirt. Their lips were separate again and they both felt this need to be linked again.

“ _I-I…_ ” Reid couldn’t say it; he didn’t want to disappoint Aaron. But his boss knew, he was in a second state right now and wasn’t that much logical but he knew. Slowly, looking at the man he loved, he passed his fingers through Spencer’s short hair, smiled and put his hands on his cheeks.

“ _Hey… It’s ok._ ” He said before he laid a chaste kiss on his lips. He took one of Reid’s hands in his and walked slowly back, still looking at his beloved one. He finally turned his body around and crossed the apartment, the genius wisely following him. Hotch pushed Reid’s bedroom door and closed it behind them. The fact he was holding his hand was reassuring Spencer. His boss guided him and he sat on his bed’s edge, raising his head to see Aaron’s face. This one put his hands on his cheeks again; he gently let his hands go down on his neck as he approached his lips from Reid’s and he kissed him again. When he broke the kiss, he softly rested his forehead against Spencer’s one and he murmured.

“ _You don’t need to worry._ ”

And Spencer knew he didn’t need to. He wrapped his arms around Aaron’s neck and smiled as he closed his eyes.

“ _Stay here for the night, yes?_ ”

Aaron slowly nodded, he didn’t want to be anywhere else, and they kissed again as Spencer was untying Hotch’s tie. He let it fell on the floor and began to undo his shirt buttons to remove it too. After, Aaron did the same with Spencer’s shirt and both of them were finally shirtless.  As they continue to kiss, Aaron slowly undid his own belt to be able to remove the rest of his suit, his shoes and his socks. After all, he didn’t have any pajamas. Spencer was doing the same before Aaron talked.

“ _If you don’t want to stay like that, you can put a pajama on, you know._ ” He was smiling; he didn’t want Reid to be uneasy. He saw him hesitating before he stood up to take a sweatpants. He chose to stay shirtless as he walked again towards the bed. He was kinda shy, they didn’t discuss about anything and it’s not like he was shirtless with everyone. He wasn’t muscular and he felt uneasy in front of Hotch. But he went on the bed with him, he kissed him again and he felt good again. He felt Aaron’s hands on his skin and he made him every caresses.

 

They were lying; Spencer was enjoying the kisses on his skin as his back was against Aaron’s chest. Hotch’s lips were on his neck again and he was blushing at every sigh. He was holding one of his lover’s hands as he bit his lip.

“ _A-Aaron…?_ ” He finally asked. It was the first time he called him like that and a warm feeling fulfill his lover.

“ _Yes, Spencer?_ ” Aaron said between two kisses.

“ _What will we do?_ ”

Hotch stopped and smiled at his worried new boyfriend.

“ _Hey, look at me._ ”

Spencer bit his bottom lip again and turned around t be face to face with Aaron.

“ _We will just don’t care._ ”

And this sentence was enough to Spencer. When he was near to Aaron, he didn’t have to think like he was always doing. He had to let go, to enjoy the present moment, that’s what he wanted. Again, he slowly reached his lover’s lips to kiss them softly and he lodged his body against Aaron, between his protective arms.


End file.
